iWhine

iWhine. It's the app we've
all been whining for.

I hope you’re sitting down because I’ve just come up with Next Great Thing. No, seriously. What is it? The iWhine app for smart phones and iPods.

What is the iWhine? It’s a genius app that is able to decipher your child’s whines, cries, growls, mumbles and even full-fledged tantrums. Simply hold your phone in the general direction of the less-than-desirable noise that your child is discharging. The app will then decipher and translate your child’s raucous emissions into clear, plain English so you know what they are saying, thinking and feeling. Then you are free to proceed as needed.

How did I come up with this ingenious idea? During four consecutive days last week, our little girl, who many refer to as an absolute sweetheart, decided to act less like her typical sweet self and more like Reagan from “The Exorcist.” She didn’t spew forth pea soup, but in her manic stages, she did thrash in similar fashion. And, I’m not quite certain, but I believe her head was very close to actually spinning on its axis.

What did I do? I tried everything in the book. I tried reasoning, rocking, time outs, punishments, you-name-it. Did they work? Sure. If you think throwing a tantrum for an hour straight is considered “working.” It got to the point where I needed to remove myself and take a time out before I spiraled into a meltdown of my own. What I would have given to have had the iWhine app, so I could’ve understood if her fits were coming from defiance or discomfort.

You may be asking, “Why put the time, effort, R&D and money into creating iWhine?” When the kids were newborns, I felt lost trying to figure out if the cry was for food, a diaper change, cuddles or just random complaints. I thought that once they began to use words and communicate, that need for deciphering would end. Last week’s episodes reminded me that the guessing game never ends. And, as I look towards the tween and teen years when hormones and a new set of emotions come into play, I can only imagine what sorts of indecipherable sounds they will emit.

So on behalf of parents everywhere, it’s time to stop the guessing game. Let iWhine translate all of your child’s needs and emotions for you with the push of a few buttons. Imagine your reduced stress in understanding exactly what your child wants. Imagine not being sucked into the tantrum along with them. Imagine not having to give yourself time outs to cool down. As we say:

iWhine. It’s the app we’ve all been whining for.