Remembering

Five years ago this very moment, I was halfway through 14 hours of hard, active labor that would eventually result in the birth of Jonas. I have heard people say that mothers have a sort of labor amnesia where they forget the pain. Otherwise, they would never have another baby. Now pregnant with #3, I am here to say, that amnesia doesn’t exist. I may forget a lot of things, but those 14 hours of labor and delivery are still quite fresh in my mind. I very much remember.

I remember when that first real contraction hit. It nearly knocked my socks off. I had not been prepared for that intensity. 

I remember nearly strangling the triage nurse when she told me I was a mere 3 cm dilated (what I had been at my appointment a few days prior) and she didn’t want to admit me. 

I remember my inhibition as I nearly ran for the birthing tub once I was admitted. 

I remember the warm water embracing me and offering relief. 

I remember reaching a point halfway through when I honestly believed I would, nor could ever go through labor again. 

I remember when that first urge to push hit and my body took over. 

I remember when after hours of pushing, I felt defeated and discouraged. 

I remember the fear of what would happen if I didn’t find the strength to push harder. 

I remember the strength, focus and courage that I mustered that day. 

I remember the feeling of euphoria once Jonas was born. 

I remember the uncertainty of what to do with that crying baby when they placed him on my chest. 

I remember nursing him for the first time and being amazed by how instinctive it was for him. 

I remember how unbelievably hungry I was the moment he was born. 

I remember the energy and adrenaline I had after his birth even though I hadn’t slept for over a day.

His birth was certainly no cake walk. It left me looking as though I had been in a fight…and not fared very well. Yet, even through all that pain and points of discouragement, I still felt happy, alive and empowered. And I’m sure I will always remember.